D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D April 10, 2008

It’s back!!!

It descends like the oft-used black cloud; takes my breath away and shrouds me in misery that I don’t know the source of. It weighs so heavy on my chest that the only way to escape is sleep. It makes me whiny and miserable and scared and vulnerable and lonely. It takes away my will to do anything; to laugh, to love, to care, to be. But, it is familiar…and unwelcome.

Depression sucks.

I’m so tired of it hunting me down when I least expect it; when I think things are going fairly well, when they aren’t going well at all, when I’m happy, when I’m sad.

No one seems to understand. I am just so tired. so very tired. But here I am, choosing to write instead of wallowing; choosing to share instead of hiding. I don’t think anyone really reads my lil blog here, but I needed to write tonight, if only to get it out for once.

“In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come — not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.” - William Styron 

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” - Elizabeth Wurtzel

  And a final thought…. 

“I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a girl falling down to a place from where she can’t be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?” - Elizabeth Wurtzel

Sigh….of Contentment March 20, 2008

It’s amazing how much better a person’s outlook can be when money isn’t such a huge problem.

Bills and rent are all paid, Scooter went to the vet and got a clean bill of health, James got some new hunting gear and had fun at the archery range with a friend, I got the new Sims 2 game and had an AMAZING day out last Saturday with Val, we did a huge grocery stock up and we aren’t totally broke for once. Plus, big plus, James is back to work and we should be getting the EI we are owed from him being off 6 weeks sometime this week.

It’s been so long since we’ve been been in this place financially that it’s still new…wonderfully new. Hence, my sigh of contentment!

Night friends!

Some Wisdom from Mother T March 13, 2008

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

– Mother Teresa

An Odd Feeling March 13, 2008

Earlier today James got a call from his sister, Steph (hi Steph, hope you’re reading), to say that James is getting $3000.00 from his mom’s insurance payout.  He didn’t expect to get it but his mom had written a letter before she passed stating that she did want him and his sister to get a $3000.00 portion of the insurance each. James wasn’t really counting on it or anything since it wasn’t a legal will and he didn’t know if his dad would honor it.

Happily (in a sad way), his dad is honoring it and that is where the odd feeling comes. Since I’ve never experienced inheriting any money from a passed on relative, I’m struggling with what to feel about it. Of course, anyone would rather have their loved one back, than the money, but, unless you’re Bill Gates, most times the money is welcomed and truly needed. Since James has been off work and we’ve not even been able to pay rent this month, the money is…well, a gift from above, really. ((Thank you Mom B, God Bless!))

At first I think James was relieved. In two ways: one, that he didn’t have to anticipate a disagreement with his dad, and two, that a weight has been lifted because the money will do us so much good. We will be able to pay back rent, cable bill, cell phone bill that has been shut off since we couldn’t afford it and we’ll still have more than half left.

But again, there’s that bad feeling….guilt almost. I’m pretty sure James was feeling it too but didn’t want to say anything. It’s hard to get excited about it but wow, the feeling of that weight leaving is immense and…joyful.  Things are finally going to be ok. With this money and James being back to work full time…it’s really going to be ok.  I feel horrible to be almost giddy with that knowledge.

James, being the most unselfish man I know, just wants to get his hunting lisence…only a couple hundred dollars. Me, being a bit selfish, asked if we could get a new PC since this one is almost 7 or 8 years old. Hopefully he’ll agree since, while it’s not something we absolutely need, it’s not likely that this one will last much longer without problems and we may not be in this position in the future to outright purchase a new one. And Staples has some great desktops on sale for less than $800.00.  Anyhow, it’s just a thought floating around right now.

I just hope eveything works out ok. I hope that James comes to accept the money as the gift I’m sure his mom intended it to be and not as a burden or ill gotten gain meant to cause him guilt or pain. I hope his mom and mine are resting peacefully above us. I hope…well, I guess I just hope.

Night all.

A Wasted Day…kind of March 11, 2008

Today was supposed to be a day where I actually accomplished a few things. Nothing major, just a few things on my ongoing daily (mental) to-do list that I would have liked to finish.

I wanted to create a few new sig tags and Incredimail letters to add to Jen’s Pixel Place. I wanted to dust and sweep the apartment. I wanted to cook a wonderful meatloaf dinner for James who deserves much better than that, but hey, he’s an amazing guy with simple tastes and my meatloaf works for him. I wanted to do dishes so the kitchen didn’t look like a dirty dishes factory. I wanted to take the puppy for a walk with Val. I wanted to make good on my resolution (and need) to express myself here daily.

Instead, battling a headache verging on a migraine, I managed to do the dishes. That’s all folks.

So now, I’m sitting here, James asleep with Scooter (the puppy) and Simba (the cat) in the bedroom, with 92 windows open on the PC so I can work on sig tags, go through my inbox, etc, etc.

At least I heard from some family today. Dad called to offer condolences on James’ mom’s death last Wednesday. Late, but that’s Dad. He updated me on his feet. No, not out of the blue, lol. He had surgery last week on them to correct his deformed toes. He’s now in walking casts on both feet and doing well. He was actually very sweet for my pops…said he knows things are tough for me, with losing Mom last June and now James’ mom gone as well. I was touched. Also heard from crazy (in a mostly amusing way) Uncle Donald. He wanted to know if James and I wanted to buy his little pickup truck for $2000.00. Ummm, no I said. Considering James just went back to work yesterday after a 6 week lay off, I was pretty sure that wasn’t feasible for us at the moment. Or any moment in the near future considering the $4.51 we have right now. But at least he keeps in touch in his odd way. I really don’t hear from any family on Mom’s side other than him. A shame, really, and it hurts me if I think about it too often….so I don’t.

But, now Val has arrived to watch Big Brother with me and things are, all in all, okey dokey.

Hey! I just realized I accomplished writing this post so another to-do that is now to-done! Go me!

Night all and see ya tomorrow.

Gee Whiz… March 11, 2008

…it’s been a freakin’ long time since I posted here. Ahem. Well, then, here we go.

I’ve made it a (very, very, VERY late) New Year’s resolution to start and maintain this blog. And yes, I am aware it is now (checking Windows time and date lower right) March 11th 2008 at 5:20am EST.

However, to use an already overused saying, better late than never. Right?!

SO much has happened lately I have no idea where to start. Since I haven’t been to bed yet and I’m feelin’ a tad foggy, I think I’ll just end there and pick this up when my eyes aren’t burning.

But, I am going to post here often…daily hopefully.

Night all…or good morning =)