It’s back!!!
It descends like the oft-used black cloud; takes my breath away and shrouds me in misery that I don’t know the source of. It weighs so heavy on my chest that the only way to escape is sleep. It makes me whiny and miserable and scared and vulnerable and lonely. It takes away my will to do anything; to laugh, to love, to care, to be. But, it is familiar…and unwelcome.
Depression sucks.
I’m so tired of it hunting me down when I least expect it; when I think things are going fairly well, when they aren’t going well at all, when I’m happy, when I’m sad.
No one seems to understand. I am just so tired. so very tired. But here I am, choosing to write instead of wallowing; choosing to share instead of hiding. I don’t think anyone really reads my lil blog here, but I needed to write tonight, if only to get it out for once.
“In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come — not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.” – William Styron
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel
And a final thought….
“I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a girl falling down to a place from where she can’t be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?” – Elizabeth Wurtzel
Jenn,
I have people close to me that either are or have been depressed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Learning how to manage day to day is the hardest part. They have told me the sunshine helps and being active is the key. So I would recommend a short walk, maybe reading a book in the sunshine (maybe in a park). It may be hard at first, but they tell me the more they force themselves to be active, the more normal they feel, the less the depression wins.
I know you are a fighter. I know this will not beat you.
Remember: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
How do you walk around the world? One step at a time.
Take each day one day at a time…and soon, you will have won.
Thinking of you often,
A friend.
Hi Jen,
Just stopped in to say thanks for the tag and found my way to your blog. I’m going to add you to my reads. I really hope to see you chat away now and then. And I hope you’re feeling better and that the depression has eased. I know it’s tough to work through, but always hang in there. We love ya.
Kathie