Here is the link to my new and improved Blogger: http://jenstalkyplace.blogspot.com/

I hope to catch ya there!!

Jen, Out!

I’m doing much better lately…definitely much better than I was the last time I posted

Summer was good. I actually had a job for a few months…from May til August. I worked retail sales in an adult boutique and loved it. Unfortunately the owner closed the damn store suddenly. It was great while it lasted and I was feelin’ fine.

After that I kind of went blah for awhile…then in September, BAM!, I started having panic attacks for no apparent reason. I didn’t know it then though. I thought I was DYING!! After going to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack I discovered it was panic attacks and they gave me an Ativan and sent me on my way. I continued to have daily panic attacks for a couple of weeks that went on for hours.  Every little thing was stressing me out so much I thought I would explode or cry forever. I finally went to my doctor and he diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and put me on Effexor XR. I’ve been on it for about 5 weeks now and though I was nervous about it after reading about it’s side effects, it’s been working great. No major attacks in about 4 weeks and though I still have alot of racing, sad, worrying thoughts, I’m grateful to have made some progress.

To add to things, James and I decided to give up our dog, Scooter. With all that was happening with my health and with me not wanting to leave the apartment, it just wasn’t fair to keep such an active, hyper dog. I loved having him and we found him a great home with an active family that has a great big yard for him and they own pet stores so I know he will get what he needs. It was hard for me though and I hope he is happy with his new family. He deserves it.

On the plus side, last week we got a kitten, Emmy, and she is just what I needed. She is a sweet little love-bug and she makes me smile often.

On a bigger plus side, my wonderfully amazing best friend and neighbor, Val, is pregnant!! No one deserves a special bundle from heaven more than she does. She has wanted it and waited so long and is the most nuturing, motherly person I know so I am a billion percent positive she will be an amazing mommy. And I will be the best Auntie EVER!! I may never have a baby of my own but I will love her child like my own and do anything for her and the lil peanut.

James and I are pretty good as well I’d say. I love him so much. I don’t know what I would do without him. He has been nothing but kind and supportive through all my crap and I owe him more than I can ever express. He’s been happy…especially since hunting season started this month. Ick! So not my thing but it makes him happy and he asks for so little…he deserves to go and rough it up, lol.

“Love is about knowing all the facts–good and bad–and caring about the person anyway. Where romance is nuance, love is encyclopedic.”  -Lainie Keslin Ettinger

It descends like the oft-used black cloud; takes my breath away and shrouds me in misery that I don’t know the source of. It weighs so heavy on my chest that the only way to escape is sleep. It makes me whiny and miserable and scared and vulnerable and lonely. It takes away my will to do anything; to laugh, to love, to care, to be. But, it is familiar…and unwelcome.

Depression sucks.

I’m so tired of it hunting me down when I least expect it; when I think things are going fairly well, when they aren’t going well at all, when I’m happy, when I’m sad.

No one seems to understand. I am just so tired. so very tired. But here I am, choosing to write instead of wallowing; choosing to share instead of hiding. I don’t think anyone really reads my lil blog here, but I needed to write tonight, if only to get it out for once.

“In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come — not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.” – William Styron 

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel

  And a final thought…. 

“I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a girl falling down to a place from where she can’t be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?” – Elizabeth Wurtzel

Bills and rent are all paid, Scooter went to the vet and got a clean bill of health, James got some new hunting gear and had fun at the archery range with a friend, I got the new Sims 2 game and had an AMAZING day out last Saturday with Val, we did a huge grocery stock up and we aren’t totally broke for once. Plus, big plus, James is back to work and we should be getting the EI we are owed from him being off 6 weeks sometime this week.

It’s been so long since we’ve been been in this place financially that it’s still new…wonderfully new. Hence, my sigh of contentment!

Night friends!

– Mother Teresa

Happily (in a sad way), his dad is honoring it and that is where the odd feeling comes. Since I’ve never experienced inheriting any money from a passed on relative, I’m struggling with what to feel about it. Of course, anyone would rather have their loved one back, than the money, but, unless you’re Bill Gates, most times the money is welcomed and truly needed. Since James has been off work and we’ve not even been able to pay rent this month, the money is…well, a gift from above, really. ((Thank you Mom B, God Bless!))

At first I think James was relieved. In two ways: one, that he didn’t have to anticipate a disagreement with his dad, and two, that a weight has been lifted because the money will do us so much good. We will be able to pay back rent, cable bill, cell phone bill that has been shut off since we couldn’t afford it and we’ll still have more than half left.

But again, there’s that bad feeling….guilt almost. I’m pretty sure James was feeling it too but didn’t want to say anything. It’s hard to get excited about it but wow, the feeling of that weight leaving is immense and…joyful.  Things are finally going to be ok. With this money and James being back to work full time…it’s really going to be ok.  I feel horrible to be almost giddy with that knowledge.

James, being the most unselfish man I know, just wants to get his hunting lisence…only a couple hundred dollars. Me, being a bit selfish, asked if we could get a new PC since this one is almost 7 or 8 years old. Hopefully he’ll agree since, while it’s not something we absolutely need, it’s not likely that this one will last much longer without problems and we may not be in this position in the future to outright purchase a new one. And Staples has some great desktops on sale for less than $800.00.  Anyhow, it’s just a thought floating around right now.

I just hope eveything works out ok. I hope that James comes to accept the money as the gift I’m sure his mom intended it to be and not as a burden or ill gotten gain meant to cause him guilt or pain. I hope his mom and mine are resting peacefully above us. I hope…well, I guess I just hope.

Night all.

I wanted to create a few new sig tags and Incredimail letters to add to Jen’s Pixel Place. I wanted to dust and sweep the apartment. I wanted to cook a wonderful meatloaf dinner for James who deserves much better than that, but hey, he’s an amazing guy with simple tastes and my meatloaf works for him. I wanted to do dishes so the kitchen didn’t look like a dirty dishes factory. I wanted to take the puppy for a walk with Val. I wanted to make good on my resolution (and need) to express myself here daily.

Instead, battling a headache verging on a migraine, I managed to do the dishes. That’s all folks.

So now, I’m sitting here, James asleep with Scooter (the puppy) and Simba (the cat) in the bedroom, with 92 windows open on the PC so I can work on sig tags, go through my inbox, etc, etc.

At least I heard from some family today. Dad called to offer condolences on James’ mom’s death last Wednesday. Late, but that’s Dad. He updated me on his feet. No, not out of the blue, lol. He had surgery last week on them to correct his deformed toes. He’s now in walking casts on both feet and doing well. He was actually very sweet for my pops…said he knows things are tough for me, with losing Mom last June and now James’ mom gone as well. I was touched. Also heard from crazy (in a mostly amusing way) Uncle Donald. He wanted to know if James and I wanted to buy his little pickup truck for $2000.00. Ummm, no I said. Considering James just went back to work yesterday after a 6 week lay off, I was pretty sure that wasn’t feasible for us at the moment. Or any moment in the near future considering the $4.51 we have right now. But at least he keeps in touch in his odd way. I really don’t hear from any family on Mom’s side other than him. A shame, really, and it hurts me if I think about it too often….so I don’t.

But, now Val has arrived to watch Big Brother with me and things are, all in all, okey dokey.

Hey! I just realized I accomplished writing this post so another to-do that is now to-done! Go me!

Night all and see ya tomorrow.

I’ve made it a (very, very, VERY late) New Year’s resolution to start and maintain this blog. And yes, I am aware it is now (checking Windows time and date lower right) March 11th 2008 at 5:20am EST.

However, to use an already overused saying, better late than never. Right?!

SO much has happened lately I have no idea where to start. Since I haven’t been to bed yet and I’m feelin’ a tad foggy, I think I’ll just end there and pick this up when my eyes aren’t burning.

But, I am going to post here often…daily hopefully.

Night all…or good morning =)